Microsoft's E3 Media Briefing 2013: Not-so-live Impressions

It's E3 week again and as always Microsoft were up first with their conference on Monday. On the back of their poorly-received console unveiling last month, they were promising "games, games, games" for this thing, as well as the return of a "historic" Rare franchise. After complaining about the lack of both for several years now, I felt compelled to tune into this one. Who knows, maybe they'd pull something out of the bag that'd sell me on the Xbox One in the same way their early output sold me on the Xbox 360. Or maybe they'd just bore me to tears as usual.

I tuned into Gamespot's stream on Monday night to find out. Ball's in your court now, Don:

• -:--:-- - Oh, geez two hours and sixteen minutes! If this goes down any like I'm expecting it to, this is going to be a loooong night.
• -:--:-- - Currently being treated to music I can only describe as being halfway between Braid and Assassin's Creed. No conference yet though.
• -:--:-- - Another hot banger; I think I need to skip ahead a bit here.
• -:--:-- - Oh, there's a bit of a Gamespot pre show this time. I've actually been quite enjoying the couple of episodes of Gameplay I've listened to since the Xbone reveal, but I think I'd rather just get this over with as soon as possible. :D
• 0:01:32 - Okay, here we go. Call of Duty first or last I wonder? because they'll definitely show it again, Xbone and dog jokes be damned.
• 0:02:06 - Looks like Gamespot may have jumped the gun a bit by cutting to the stage now. Nothing happening yet.
• 0:03:35 - The screen's come to life with visions of the controller and the console; I guess it's about to start. I really hope Sony do better with their box. That thing still looks fugly.
• 0:05:34 - STILL NOTHING. But on the plus side, that means less time for the actual conference. I'd like to not think of that as a plus, but this is Microsoft we're talking about.

•  0:07:10 - An ESRB rating. It must be starting this time. Also, can I point out how weird ratings on game footage continues to be? At least they aren't age gating these. Yet.
• 0:07:18 - Sounds like the Microsoft employees are out in full force. :)

• 0:07:32 -  Ooh, Konami. Looks like a Phantom Pain trailer. Got to admit, I know virtually nothing about this game.
• 0:07:58 - Yes, of course Kojima Productions. Geez audience, what did you expect it to be? Pro Evolution Adventures?
• 0:08:42 - Wow, that was some award-winning dialogue there, Kojima. Looks great though.

 

• 0:08:57 - An open world MGS will probably be pretty cool. Is it just me or is the weird fast-forwarding combined with the bullet points here super-dumb?
• 0:10:04 - A whole section obscured by dust? Licensed watches? Okay, I'm pretty sure Kojima is just trolling now, or at least fishing for GIFs. Uh, maybe this isn't the strongest foot to start the conference on, Microsoft. Unless this is an Xbox One exclusive...
• 0:10:10 - Realistic passage of time - just like Ocarina of Time. In 1998.
• 0:10:20 - "Deeper stealth action". What does that even mean?

• 0:11:31 - Also starring: Tidus. Man, hearing Jack Bauer's voice coming out of Snake is really weird.
• 0:11:54  - And introducing: Quantic Dream's old-ass man from the PS4 reveal.
• 0:12:57 - No just cause? Fuck you, Avalanche. Have to admit that that's a pretty rad song.
• 0:13:38 - Explosion count: 0. good job, Kojima!

• 0:13:56 - Kojima's back. And Mattrick. Whoop-de-doo.
• 0:14:29 - I'm Hideo Kojima and I approve of this message. Wow, that was embarrassing. Doesn't seem to be exclusive though. E3 Hype Train!
• 0:14:44 - 13 exclusives? Already down 2 already then from what they said in May.
• 0:14:50 - WTF Microsoft employees? Stop missing your cues!
• 0:15:02 -  A 360 section? Anything besides the Fable remake, I wonder? I could see a Halo 2 anniversary edition. Maybe a couple of XBLA games?

• 0:15:10 - Great, this guy. TV, anyone?
• 0:15:39 - Yep, the 360 redesign is happening.
• 0:15:49 - Available today! Uh, I really don't think many people are going to care at this point.
• 0:15:56  - "We're going to make your Xbox live gold membership better too." By making it free? Like it should be anyway.
• 0:16:31 - Of course not! Here, have some old games. Actually, this might be potentially cool. At least if you could manage to get a six month membership card on the cheap. Otherwise it would be probably be cheaper to go used (while you still can). Not sure I'd want to risk auto renewals getting switched back on either.
• 0:16:50 - Literally hundreds of games coming to 360 over the next few years. So why should I upgrade again, Microsoft? :)
• 0:17:23 - 3 new 360 games. Sounds like League of Legends is one.

• 0:18:08 - What?
• 0:19:04 - World of Tanks? Really? What? Why?

• 0:19:29 - Can't believe they're giving this stage time. Holy shit, Microsoft.
• 0:20:20 - You know, I have a super-bad feeling that Fantasia is the third game.
• 0:21:11 -  Oh. Max and the Magic Marker 2. Yeah, I think Microsoft bought these guys.

• 0:21:16 - Those crazy Danes.
• 0:21:34 - That sure is some impressive voice acting.
• 0:22:19 - Can't say I'm excited for this. Fuck that first game.
• 0:22:32 - Dark Souls 2? Pretty much everything I hear about these makes me not want to play them. Still, I'm kind of curious to give one a try. Probably not going to be this version whatever it is though.

• 0:23:52 - Yep. And now, Phil Spencer.
• 0:24:09 - Well, if there's a new Killer Instinct it's going to be here. Can't wait for it to be Grabbed by the Ghoulies Kinect. :D
• 0:24:21 - More titles in development than any time in Xbox history? Well, wouldn't be hard to top the last three years anyway.
• 0:24:41 - Indies notably absent there.
• 0:25:05 - First game. Looks like this might be Ryse.
• 0:25:47 - Yep. Wasn't this a Kinect game. Wasn't this the TV kicking game?

• 0:26:47 - Half expecting Spartacus and co. to turn up and murder these fools.
• 0:27:31 - The Normandy Landing: Rome Edition.
• 0:28:12 - The good news? Looks like this isn't for Kinect anymore. The bad? The combat (at least) seems to consist entirely of quick time events.
• 0:29:09 - Shields! Arrows! This looks terrible.
• 0:29:43 - "In the interest of time" What?! Our gameplay is so boring and long-winded we decided to skip it?
• 0:30:07 - I'd have considered a Sparta joke there, but I'm just flabbergasted that this piece of shit is what they're leading with.
• 0:30:37 - Walking seems to be real-time at least. Awesome.
• 0:32:17 - And they're even bringing a Crytek guy on to talk about it?

• 0:33:00 - Oh man! It's true. Freaking Killer Instinct. Loved the first game, but if Microsoft think this is going to be a huge launch title they're smoking some potent shit.
• 0:33:07 - They got the KI announcer back! That's pretty cool.

• 0:33:40 - Hmmm, can't say that footage looked all that great. Those new character designs look...rough.
• 0:33:57 - ...and FUSE. Wait, where's everyone going? So I guess they've signed up Insomniac for an exclusive.
• 0:34:31 - Sunset Overdrive. Another shooter, but with a name like that, it's got to be something at least marginally different.
• 0:34:58 - Sounds like a multi player, open world shooter with new challenges and the like being added regularly. You know, thanks to the INFINITE POWER OF THE CLOUD.

More after the jump, in the cloud!

• 0:36:24 - Fun art style, and it looks like there's a lot of Crackdown DNA in there. Could be interesting, provided the focus groups don't get their hands on it in the meantime. :)
• 0:36:30 - Another exclusive. I see a McLaren logo. That's a car manufacturer, right? Forza?
• 0:36:42 - Wow, so glad I asked about McLaren now. :D

• 0:37:32 - Forza 5. And they brought the car. Excuse me while I take a quick nap.
• 0:38:46 - Wow, this is some amazing bullshit.
• 0:39:53 - Having driving AI preforming more like another player than some infallible construct is actually great idea. As is having it adapt it's driving based on how you drive. I really don't see why the all-powerful cloud would have anything to do with those functions though.
• 0:40:06 - Yeah, there's no reason the game couldn't do this stuff offline.
• 0:40:57 - Oh, so this "driveatar" is learning from other player's too. What does that achieve? If it's competing mostly against the most hardcore Forza players, then isn't it going to be just as brutal as traditional AI? Maybe that's what Forza players want, I guess?
• 0:41:49 - Yes, that does indeed look like a Forza game. Amazing.

• 0:42:39 - Oh snap. Phil Harrison.
• 0:43:00 - Here comes the indie dev damage repair.
• 0:43:45 - Still no self-publishing though.
• 0:44:04 - Minecraft on Xbone I'd imagine.
• 0:44:20 - Indeed it is.
• 0:45:16 - Quantum Break, with Max Payne himself.
• 0:45:29 - So there is actually a TV show as well then.
• 0:45:46 - Huh. So I guess depending on what you do in the game, you're going to get a slightly different version of the show.
• 0:48:01 - Seems like an interesting enough premise. No gameplay there though.

• 0:48:24 - What? A cel-shaded Swery game?
• 0:48:37 - It certainly had a lot of charm, but Deadly Premonition sure didn't look like much fun to play. Looking forward to the future Let's Plays though. :D

• 0:49:37 - Another exclusive I presume, Project Spark. I'll go out on a limb and assume this is a Little Big Planet knock-off.
• 0:50:03 - Yep, and it's a Kinect game. OH NO! I've just realised we're probably in the Kinect section of the conference now.
• 0:50:24 - See how fast that is? Certainly not staged.
• 0:51:49 - Kill me now.

• 0:53:16  - Wow, these guys have such a natural rapport.
• 0:53:43 -  "An infinite number of ways to play, build and share" and all anyone's ever going to make is 1-1, over and over again. :D
• 0:54:50 - As a tool, this certainly looks versatile; not really my thing though.
• 0:55:15 - By making Xbox Live fre... Oh, I've used that one already. Carry on, Marc.
• 0:55:38 - Fucking Smart Glass. I love how they keep acting like anyone gives a shit.
• 0:56:27 - Pretty sure you can already do this stuff on the 360. And on the Xbox web site. Next.
• 0:57:33 - More amazing banter. And Killer Instinct.

• 0:57:56 -  It's so weird seeing a new Killer Instinct. Still don't like the character designs, but I'm going to say this looks potentially decent. Too bad it's literally the only thing exclusive they've shown that I care about.
• 0:58:52 - You know, think I'm going to be a huge jackass and start referring to the internet as THE CLOUD from now on too.

• 0:59:30 - Surprise! They are partnering with Twitch.
• 1:01:18 - Crimson Dragon. Now that's a blast from the past. Still a Kinect game?
• 1:01:55 - Looks like the power of the could has failed. There's no sound, but the plants in the audience are hooping and hollering like there's no tomorrow.
• 1:02:22 - I sure Crimson Dragon will be a solid game if you can use a controller. Otherwise, not so much.

• 1:02:45 - Dead Rising 3. I really need to get around this series. It won't surprise anyone to learn I've had a copy of the first one for years now.
• 1:04:46 - Like MGS5, the open world part of this could make for an awesome game. It'll really suck if this is exclusive. Here's hoping for a PC version at least.
• 1:07:07 - This really looks good graphics-wise. Easily one of the most impressive things they've shown.
• 1:08:52 - Smart Glass: still dumb. No reason that wouldn't work better as a d-pad command.
• 1:09:41 - The Witcher 3. (Way to fight that DRM, CD Projekt.) Doesn't sound like this is exclusive though.
• 1:11:37 - Another super-impressive looking game. Bet this one is running on a PC though.
• 1:12:42 - EA and Dice. Looks like the Mirror's Edge rumour was true. To be honest, I really hope the Kinect rumour was true too. The meltdowns would be epic. Maybe I'd think differently if I'd actually played the first one, but it's currently gathering dust next to Dead Rising. :D
• 1:13:07 - Or not. Battlefield 4 huh? Does that mean no COD? Does that mean Sony are showing COD? Questions!
• 1:13:41 - Oh boy, I do love me some FPS trailerzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
• 1:13:52 - What? They're starting over.

• 1:14:10 - I sure hope so, I'm waiting with baited breath here. So I guess Battlefield 4 is an Xbone timed exclusive then?
• 1:14:46 - Only possible with the power of Xbox One, folks.
• 1:15:04 - It'd be really funny if this stopped again here.
• 1:16:52 - Graphics look great. Otherwise, it's the same old linear, scriped-event-heavy, military FPS bullshit; I expect every gaming podcast I listen to will be creaming themselves over it.

• 1:19:42 - Oh look, a turret sequence.
• 1:20:29 - Oh. It's only the first map pack that's exclusive.
• 1:21:17 - Look people, it's a freaking indie game. Now shut up about them already!
• 1:22:02 - Below. Hard to discern much from the trailer, but it looks like some kind streamlined adventure game. I guess like Superbrothers. (Haven't gotten around to that either :D)

• 1:22:46 - Fantavision 2!
• 1:23:18 - Well that wasn't very informative. I guess it's some kind of stealth game. I can't imagine this will be out any time soon without even a title. Pretty rich trotting this out as one of your exclusives, Microsoft. What's next a Johanna Dark render? /Spaceworld2000Reference
• 1:23:53 - Another game. Maybe.

• 1:25:11 - Oh look, it's Master Chief. Who could have seen that coming?
• 1:24:50 - Just "Halo". Do they not even have a game to show here?
• 1:26:44 - Panic averted. It even runs at a "blistering" 60 FPS, unlike any other game, ever.
• 1:27:03 - No, nothing. That was some Iwata-Smash Bros. level business right there.
• 1:27:49 - Yeah, you rattled those off pretty quick, Phil. Five hundred euros? Nope.
• 1:28:35 - One more thing? Please be Crackdown, please be Crackdown.
• 1:28:42 - No, it's the Respawn thing. Completely forgot about that.
• 1:29:40 - Huh. Not quite what I expected. Looks like a third person, sci-fi shooter with some platforming elements.

• 1:30:52 - No, scratch that it looks like a straight-up sci-fi FPS. (sigh)
• 1:32:40 - Con-firmed. Next generation, people.
• 1:35:16 - Some of the melee and telekenesis stuff looks potentially neat though
• 1:37:15 - And that's a wrap.

You know, I'll give Microsoft credit for actually focusing on games this time. I really didn't think they'd be able to resist shoehorning at least a little entertainment stuff in there, but no; they finally delivered the E3 show people wanted to see for the first time in years. They didn't even wheel out a bunch of obnoxious Kinect demos, which I'd have put money down on happening beforehand.

Was it enough to sell me on an Xbox One though?. Well, obviously not. :D Like every one of these I've tuned into since I picked up a 360, there were some decent-looking games in there, but even with a lot more exclusives than usual, most of the stuff they showed just didn't grab me. And that goes tenfold for everything they showed off back in May (Watching live TV is your big selling point? Really? Not to mention all the crazy DRM)

Nah, it's pretty clear at this point that the Xbox brand is no longer for me. Now that the lack of backwards compatibility has severed any ties I had with it, I think the time has finally come to stop whining about Smart Glass, Kinect ,and generally giving Don Mattrick a hard time and just jump the fuck out.