Xbox E3 2017 Briefing: Not-so-live Impressions

Yep, back to doing Microsoft's E3 show again this year and really, how could I not as now the proud owner of an Xbox One myself. Got a pretty good deal on a used, OG Xbox One around Christmas, thinking that I'd probably need something I could play Mass Effect: Andromeda on. Turns out that no, I was good. :D Still, I've finally been able to play a bunch of Rare Replay, which is awesome, and I've got the Killer Instinct Definitive Edition, and Shadow of Mordor waiting in the wings, so I'm not doing too badly. The huge updates have proven to be a bit of a problem with my slow-ass broadband though, and speaking of slow: boy, that Xbox One UI. That's not even getting into the performance gulf in third party games compared to the PS4 or Microsoft's so-so first party output of late.

But never fear; Scorpio is here! Will Microsoft's grand refresh finally do away with the problems of the Xbox One? Will they finally announce some new IPs that anyone cares about? Will Cuphead ever get released?

Only one way to find out:

Looks like it's time to play some good old-fashioned Microsoft E3 conference bingo.



Once again, drinking is optional, but given the apparent longer running time this year, it might be worth looking into. :D

• 0:00:00 - Oof! An hour and forty three minutes? They really weren't kidding about the longer runtime, huh? :D

  

• 0:00:13 - Okay, looks like we're starting off with a Kinect poncho reveal-esque "fuck all the Xbox stuff before now; it was all just building up to motion cont... uh, I mean 4K"

  

• 0:00:18 - 720p? Lame!
• 0:00:28 - 1080p? Pathetic!

  

• 0:00:36 - 4K Ultra HD?!! OH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuu

  

• 0:01:17 - Wow, such high-density pixels (or whatever nonsense they were claiming last year :D).

  

• 0:01:22 - No, it's a CG-rendered processor. Looks like were about to get a logo and a name here. (Come on, Xbox 420!)

  

• 0:01:58 - Ooh, looks like some Mordor: Shadow of War coming up. And more Gears. Eww!

  

• 0:02:06 - And Halo, and Forza. Microsoft just tearing up all the rules this year.

  

• 0:02:40 - That looks like Crackdown though. Finally!!

  

• 0:02:59 - There's the Scorpio. Looks a bit like the S, given a slight Mass Effect makeover. Not bad.

  

• 0:03:18 - It's Phil. Not digging the the T-shirt. Player (1)? Huh?
• 0:03:23 - Oh no. Do they have Xbox fans hooting and hollering at this this year? Eww!!
• 0:04:03 - Oh, talking about the original Xbox. Drink!

  

• 0:04:35 - Xbox One X. That's a lot of Xs in there. And it'll still be saddled with all the Xbox One's baggage. Got to say: kind of terrible name. Drink!
• 0:04:54 - November 7th. Do we get a price here though, I wonder?
• 0:05:57 - Woo woo! 6 teraflops. Drink!
• 0:06:10 - Yeah! I love memory bandwidth!
• 0:07:04 - No way. They're not going to announce OG Xbox compatibility here, are they?
• 0:07:14 - A console with "Xbox One" in the name supports all Xbox One games and accessories? Madness!
• 0:07:33 - Okay, improved visuals and load times on Xbox One games. Good stuff.

  

• 0:08:52 - "Yeah, woo! I lope vape!"
• 0:09:39 - The smallest Xbox ever. That, my friend, is a low bar. :D
• 0:10:04 - A Windows 10 mention. I thought they might be dialing that back this year with the One X, but I guess they're still trying to push that Windows 10 store.

  

• 0:10:14 - First game. Assassin's Creed maybe?
• 0:10:25 - Those were camels, and this looks very Sahara-like...

  

• 0:10:35 - Nope, it's Forza. Boo! :D

  

• 0:10:50 - This does look pretty great, but it's literally impossible for me to care about these games. Need for Speed: Payback though looked pretty dope yesterday.
• 0:11:58 - I smell a car about to come on stage...

  

• 0:12:58 - Yes!! Man, so stupid. I love it!
• 0:13:42 - The digital and the real world are merging?! Oh god nooooooo!!

  

• 0:14:08 - Oh good, this is still going on.
• 0:16:08 - Does that make this the first mainline Forza game on PC then? I think it does.
• 0:17:58 - 42 games. That's a lot. How much indie and multi platform stuff though?

  

• 0:18:59 - Next game. I can't say the name 4A rings any bells. Looks like a zombie game. Is this State of Decay?

  

• 0:19:18 - Well, it's an FPS in any case.
• 0:20:42 - Looks kind of fast-paced at least, almost Doom-ish. Might not be as boring as it initially seemed. :D

  

• 0:21:08 - Seems to be open world too. Looks quite Fallout-ish, but significantly less brown.

  

• 0:23:04 - Ooh, zip-lines. Those might be fun.

  

• 0:23:16 - And trains.

  

• 0:23:35 - Ah, it's a Metro game. Looks neat.

  

• 0:23:52 - Actual in-game footage. Drink!

  

• 0:23:58 - Ah! this is Assassin's Creed.

  

• 0:24:08 - Eagles confirmed.

  

• 0:24:36 - Sailing, which is meant to be back in a big way in this game. Not sure how I feel about that. I'm still a few games behind, but I put a good few hours into Black Flag last year and I just couldn't get into it. I quite liked the occasional sailing bits in AC3, but as a full game, with the usual AC stuff pushed to the sidelines: not so much.

  

• 0:24:49 - Surfing down pyramids? I like that!
• 0:25:32 - That was a cool trailer. Glad to see the series back. I may not be into the sailing in a big way, but exploring ancient cities while stabbing dudes in the face and neck has yet to get old for me

  

• 0:27:40 - Damn, that looks good.

  

• 0:28:33 - Meh, horses. A good sailcloth is all I need.

  

• 0:29:06 - So I guess you can use your eagle to scout out areas before you go in. Hopefully that doesn't mean more planning and stealth in this one. I'm more of a run in and shove wrists blades into everyone kind of guy.

  

• 0:29:49 - Similar slow down time to shoot arrow mechanic as Breath of the Wild. Pretty cool.

  

• 0:30:29 - Loot!

  

• 0:31:27 - And leveling up. they weren't kidding about the RPG mechanics.

  

• 0:31:46 - Yes! Much more my style. :D Yeah, it looks like they're just playing up the strategy angle for show here.

  

• 0:32:31 - That's a pretty great logo too.
• 0:32:52 - Create together? Project Spark - it's coming back, you guys!
• 0:33:10 - They're really pushing Mixer hard here, huh? That's a Windows 10 streaming service, right? Sorry Phil, still on Windows 7 over here.

  

• 0:33:57 - Playerunknown's Battlegrounds. Man, I haven't even watched Giant Bomb's Murder Island videos of this. Just nothing about it sounds appealing to me at all. And it has a really stupid name. (Uh, suck it, Millennials! :D)

  

• 0:37:08 - Another game. Looks like some kind of co-op, resource gathering shooter.

  

• 0:37:28 - Deep Rock Galactic. *shrug*

  

• 0:38:08 - Another post apocalyptic setting. Finally!
• 0:38:26 - And with zombies. We're still doing this in 2017, huh?
• 0-39-28 - Hold on, I have a feeling they showed this previously last year and my brain just immediately deleted any knowledge of this as irrelevant information.

  

• 0:41:04 - Yep, they did. This is State of Decay 2. I mean, I mentioned that before as if I knew what it was when really all I know about this series is the logo, and zombies.

  

• 0:42:24 - Speaking of tired ideas, this looks suspiciously like yet another survival game.

  

• 0:43:17 - Or like a multiplayer deathmatch thing with survival elements. Either way: don't care. :D Does it have heroes too?! Please tell me 'yes'.

  

• 0:43:34 - And they brought a shoutcaster. Drink! My excitement levels have gone off the charts. (Drink! Drink! Drink!)
• 0:44:26 - The Darwin Project. Yeah, whatever. :D

  

• 0:44:39 - Good news, everyone. Minecraft does indeed continue to exist. Drink!

  

• 0:44:55 - Oddly enough, I was just playing some of Minecraft: Story mode the other day, which to my surprise, I found myself quite enjoying. More thanks to the writing than the actual Minecraft, but still.

  

• 0:45:15 - A Nintendo console in Microsoft's E3 presentation. Heresy!

  

• 0:45:40 - And you thought you were getting away with just the video. "But I like Minecraft!" Silence! You opinions are not relevant here.

  

• 0:46:28 - Boy, I bet Minecraft is going to look amazing in 4K.
• 0:46:14 - A new look for Minecraft? Finally, voxels!

  

• 0:47:18 - They really should have called it the But Now We Added Lighting Pack. :D Oh, okay, it looks fairly decent.
• 0:48:44 - No discount? No pre-load? Great job justifying those digital pre-orders, Phil. :D

  

• 0:48:49 - Believe me, Microsoft E3 Conference, I am not worried about not being able to get into Mixer. But thanks for your concern.

  

• 0:49:23 - Ah! This is that new DBZ fighting game. Damn, cel shading has come a long way.

  

• 0:49:57 - Look great, but didn't know it was going to be 2D, which actually makes me infinitely less interested in it. (Uh, get dunked, FGC!)
• 0:50:27 - Still making my way through Dragon Ball Z Kai though, which continues to be a lot of fun.
• 0:51:14 - So many establishing environmental shots in all of these trailers. I bet they look great at 4K. I'm watching in the second smallest embedded YouTube player at 720p. You're just wasting my time, Microsoft! :D

  

• 0:51:43 - These look like some heroes. I'm guessing MOBA or MMO (Which is also an exciting new gameshow format I'll currently developing. Several influencers are already very interested. #engagement).

  

• 0:52:34 - The MMORPG Black Desert: in case you were in any doubt.

  

• 0:52:54 - Post-apocalyptic world number, what, 3 at this point?

  

• 0:53:25 - Well, looks like someone's seen Blade Runner.
• 0:53:47 - The Last Night. Kind of neat to see that look in an indie, pixeley style, even if it's not exactly going to win any prizes for originality.

  

• 0:54:40 - The indie, it burns! :D
• 0:55:13 - Looks like some kind of rhythm game/runner, but who could say from these trailers. I'm sure the style over substance here will win the gaming press over in any case. :D (Me-ow!)

  

• 0:55:36 - Something a bit more Japanese-looking now. Raiden?
• 0:55:44 - No, but it does seem to be some character-action business.

  

• 0:55:55 - Anime confirmed.
• 0-56-14 - CodeVein. Looks alright; a bit of a consolation prize in the wake of Scalebound's cancellation perhaps?
• 0:56:47 - Come on, Phil. Microsoft first party is like the furthest from a place of innovation and creativity right now. 

  

• 0:57:19 - Sea of Thieves time. I feel some tedious multiplayer gameplay coming on. Pre-emptive drink!

  

• 0:59:53 - Nope, haven't passed out. Just bored. :D
• 1:01:54 - I guess the chances of another Rare game being here are approximately zero, right? If only they'd do a Vol. 2 of Rare Replay at least. Even just for the supplemental material, it'd be worth it.
• 1:05:39 - Early 2018 for Sea of Thieves. It'll be interesting to see how this does at least. I have a bad feeling that if it doesn't hit big enough that might finally be it for Rare.

  

• 1:05:58 - Looks like we're heading back into indie town now.

  

• 1:06:13 - Oh, Tacoma - that's the new game from the Gone Home people. Yeah, I wasn't the biggest fan of Gone Home. The storytelling method was really interesting, but the story itself, although a little out of left field for a video game narrative, I just didn't find especially compelling. It probably didn't help either that I'm a bit young for all the 90's nostalgia in the game to have done anything much for me. Got to say Tacoma sounds even less interesting from what I've heard so far.

  

• 1:06:43 - Something else now. Tails?
• 1:07:00 - Both the music and art style are giving off strong Rare vibes here. Dare I hope?

  

• 1:07:18 - Well, it looks like a platformer at least. I wonder if this is that fox platformer that came out around the release of the Oculus Rift. Lucky's Tale or something?
• 1:07:53 - Looks pretty nice, and I'll take a platformer anywhere I can find one these days. Still haven't gotten around to Yooka-Laylee; been too freakin' busy, but soon.
• 1:08:10 - Ah! Super Lucky's Tale. I was right. Yeah, I'll give this a look.
• 1:08:28 - Cuphead! Drink! :D

  

• 1:08:34 - Still looks great, but do we get a release date?

  

• 1:09:47 - We do! Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it. :D

  

• 1:10:10 - Yes!! Crackdown! Developed by Sumo Digital and starring Terry Crews? Yes, please!

  

• 1:10:36 - YESSS!!!

  

• 1:11:15 - Now that's what I'm talking about! Huh, also coming to Windows 10.

  

• 1:12:06 - This looks great! Xbone purchase justified! Now hopefully it's not co-op only or something. :D
• 1:12:30 - November 7th. I'm there.

  

• 1:12:48 - Yikes, that looked very much like the start of a wrapping up montage, but there are still thirty freakin' minutes of this to go. :D If it were anyone else, I'd be excited, but knowing Microsoft, all that's coming up is some extended Gears demo and *hey, surprise* a Halo tease, even though they said there'd be no Halo. Our minds will be blown!!!

  

• 1:12:56 - Unruly Heroes. Looks very Rayman-ish. Man, I still haven't touched Rayman Legends. Or Origins for that matter.

  

• 1:13:13 - Ah, the Federation Force of Fable games. :D Eh, who cares; that series is garbage anyway. :P

  

• 1:13:39 - Ooh, the rarely seen Samsh Bros. clone. Kind of doubt that this will fare any better than PlayStation All-Stars or Turtles: Smash Up though. Especially without any star power behind it.

  

• 1:14:09 - A Conan game? But why?
• 1:15:09 - Surprise? On the Xbox? Oh come now, Phil. :D

  

• 1:16:14 - I swear there isn't a single video game trailer you couldn't put this generic-ass voice over on where it wouldn't be applicable. So this looks like some kind of brawler.

  

• 1:16:57 - Oh, looks like a Souls game, with a slightly cartooney art style. Yeah, I'm good.

  

• 1:17:27 - Life is Strange 2. Still need to get to the first one. I excitedly grabbed it on Steam in the wake of finishing and loving the first two seasons of The Walking Dead, and then promptly forgot about it. :D

  

• 1:19:11 - Oh right, that Monolith. Very confused there for a second. :D It's Shadow of War time.

  

• 1:19:57 - I don't know; this guy sounds way too eloquent for an orc. Probably some kind of orc cop.

  

• 1:20:55 - This is all pretty cool. Looking forward to getting stuck into that original soon.
• 1:26:03 - Yep, that looks great. October.

  

• 1:26:14 - Wait, what's happening now?
• 1:26:52 - I guess this is the Ori and The Blind Forest sequel that the YouTube sidebar here is spoiling. :D

  

• 1:27:29 - Man, I bet this looks great in 4K. Don't really know much about these games though. Are they Metroidvanias?

  

• 1:29:05 - They're really driving that backwards compatibility home here. Get dunked, Jim Ryan.

  

• 1:29:45 - WHAT THE FUCK?!!! Original Xbox backwards compatibility!!! They're actually doing it!
• 1:30:31 - Wow, this is awesome. Also can't believe Phil just called it the OG Xbox. Come on, man, that's our word.
• 1:31:24 - And free 4K updates for some existing games. You'd expect no less seeing as Sony have already done that, but still, nice to see it confirmed.
• 1:33:07 - $499 for the Xbox One X though. Ouch!

  

• 1:33:53 - But enough fun, it's EA time now. :D
• 1:34:06 - Only the greatest projects make their way to us? Sooo how did Mass Effect: Andromeda get out then?
• 1:35:26 - It's kind of hard to summon up any excitement for a new Bioware game at this stage TBH, and this sounds like some sort of games as service multiplayer thing to boot.

  

• 1:35:46 - So far, so Horizon-ey.
• 1:36:18 - Oh hey, that's Jennifer Hale: the one true Commander Shepard.

  

• 1:40:23 - Hey, remember when Bioware made role playing games? *sigh*

  

• 1:42:29 - Ah, now this is the wrapping up montage.

  

• 1:43:38 - And that's a wrap. So, how about that bingo...

That's, what, 14 and a half out of 25. Not bad, though I was very much looking forward to Perfect Dark's glorious POG-based return. (Daniel Carrington would definitely be the slammer.)

Feelings about the Xbox One X as a new Xbox One owner though? Well, it seems like a solid machine; maybe more what the Xbox One should have been in the first place rather than going all in with Kinect, TV and nonsense DRM. It should finally bridge the gap too between the PS4 and Xbone versions of multi-platform games. That price point though: yikes! It may be a console I pick up at some point, but for now I think I'll stick with what I've got. Hey, I still have Crackdown and Xbox backwards compatibility to look forward to at least. Hopefully they both don't run like garbage on an original Xbox One. :D

As for their showing as whole, I have to say I'm a bit underwhelmed. Maybe it's my own fault, but with the X launching this year, I did have some faint hope that we'd see a revitalized first party line-up shown off here: some new ideas; some re-imaginings of older titles; some announcements that would move the needle for the Xbox brand. Sure, there was some solid multi-platform stuff on display, but Microsoft themselves seem to be in the same malaise they've been in for years now: mostly just chugging along with the few active IPs they have, supplementing them with a few indie exclusives here and there, as well as the occasional dodgy, half-baked new property. I have to say: it doesn't exactly fill me with hope for the future of the Xbox, true 4K resolution or not.