Wednesday, March 30, 2016

The Untweeted

Maybe this only happens to me, but I'll often take a picture of something with an undoubtedly hilarious tweet in mind, put it aside until later. The next thing I know, it's months later and the moment for that tweet's just passed. It goes...


Ahem. But hey, no time like the present, right? No wait, come back!

I don't know about you guys, but I have a lot of love for poorly-translated advertising material. I think I got this with a USB-powered Wii Sensor bar from China: an entertainment weapon for indoors men, indeed.

Powerful blowjobs in the middle of traffic? WTF, Sony.

So, there's stuff here that I just didn't get around to posting originally, and then there's a screen grab that prominently features a dog's penis. I don't know why I was gun-shy about tweeting this though, it's from an ad that aired on Kix: a cartoon-focused channel for kids. Am I being a huge prude here? It's right there. Center screen. Back-lit. I'm not demanding that dogs wear pants on TV here, I just don't know if you need to get a good look at a dog's junk right in the middle of Dragon Ball Z Kai.

Yeah, if I was responsible for a channel putting out the quality of programming that RTÉ 2 does, I'm not sure an ident featuring a dumpster is one that I'd want to be running.

*sigh* Eat me, if you must.

Hah, talk about a traffic light malfunction! No wait, come back!

For the uninitiated, this is (almost) a traffic light bun: a (let's be honest) low-quality, but tasty puff pastry filled with fake cream and topped with dollops of raspberry, lime and lemon syrup: red, green and yellow, like a traffic light, not this all-raspberry travesty. This is borderline lawsuit territory.

Promo shots for the next installment of Nymphomaniac? No, it's another weird-ass ad on Kix. This time for some sort of cold medicine.

Oof! Never has a Netflix preview image stopped me so completely in my tracks as this one did. I kind of can't stand Peter Kay to begin with, and seeing him as this freaking poo monster, I knew this episode of Doctor Who was going to be trash. No joke, I stared at this for fifteen minutes before finally I plucked up the courage to start it up and holy crap, was I right. The twist, though, was that I didn't mind Peter Kay in this at all. It was everything else that was terrible.

Sounds exhausting. (#OnlyIrishKidsWillEtcEtc)

Speaking of idents, I thought this one Horror were running the Christmas before last was surprisingly rad. RTÉ could learn a thing or two. Then again, they'd probably just have a dumpster on fire and still fail to see any problem with it. :D

Opening a letter to see this, you'd reasonably expect to be blown up on the spot. Actually, this wasn't an ironic "fuck you" message from a mad bomber, but an ad for a power company's rewards program, of course.

And finally, a sentiment I think we can all agree with.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Candy @ Halloween 2014

Do not adjust your calendars, it's time to check out some more candy. You might have noticed the name change this time. Unfortunately, I found new Halloween themed candy extremely thin on the ground in 2014, even on-line for whatever reason. With no new bat/skull/vampire/mummy-shaped things to chomp down on, I was left with no choice but to continue my vision quest into the world of US treats, loading up a box with as much cheap, weird stuff as I could. Let's hop in (It is almost Easter, after all. :D).

Cadbury Dairy Milk Top Deck

So, starting off is a bar not from the US, but from South Africa. It was available here in Ireland though, at least for a while in the 90's (possibly under a different name). I know because I had one of these at least once before. Despite it stacking white chocolate on top of Dairy Milk though  - two things I love - I remember not being very impressed with it at the time.

Unfortunately, the outcome was no different twenty years (yikes!) later. It seems like a good idea on paper, but the milk chocolate just completely overpowers the white chocolate, to the point where you might as just have a regular Dairy Milk. It does look cool though.


Taffy Town Halloween Taffy

The sole bit of Halloween candy in here comes from Taffy Town. I had some of their taffy a couple of years ago and enjoyed it very much. It's just as good this time. in the Halloween bag you get four flavours: grape, orange, apple and liquorice. The liquorice, I wasn't crazy about, but the other three were tasty as ever.



You know, I can't think of a peanut and caramel bar that I dislike, so the odds were heavily stacked towards this to begin with. I really liked the caramel; it's nice and chewy with a bit of saltiness to it, which I quite enjoyed, and it's pretty much the dominant flavour here. The peanut is quite mild and the chocolate is pretty bland, run of the mill stuff. I could have done with the crisp bits being a little crisper, more like a Toffee Crisp, but overall a nice, chewy, tasty bar.


Uhhh... More hot close-ups.
Nestle 100 Grand

For any Irish folks out there, this one's pretty similar to a Catch bar. On the outside, you have a layer of thick chocolate and crisped rice. Inside you have what the wrapper describes as "chewy caramel" but really it's more of a soft toffee. It's a little more solid than your usual caramel and it's got a graininess to it that you get with toffee more than caramel. Semantics aside, the filling's soft and tasty, though still nice and chewy, and it works well with the crunchy chocolate coating. Overall, a great little bar.


Nestle Oh Henry!

So, this tasted like a Snickers bar. I mean, exactly like a Snickers bar. The make-up is a little different: there's more caramel here and the nougat is swapped out for fudge, but eating it, I was hard pressed to tell the difference. Hey, as far as I'm concerned Snickers is a five out of five bar. I can hardly give this any less, especially as it pre-dates Snickers by the look of things.


Red Vines

The grape version of these I tried out last year (by which I mean 2013, of course) and really enjoyed. Unsurprisingly, these are the same deal with a different flavour, which the pack describes "Original Red", but even after devouring almost two packs of these now, I still can't quite decipher what that's supposed to be. It's a little bit cinnamon, a little bit clove, and a lot cough syrup. I wasn't crazy about it at first, to be honest, but after my first few, I really came around to it. Just as addictive as the grape variety (I've just had three :D), I'll give these a four out of five.


MegaLoad Original / MegaLoad Caramel Crunch

Looking at that packaging, these seem like everything you could ever want from candy: peanut butter cups, caramel-filled cups, a cookie on one, a bootleg Oreo on another, fake M&M's, nutty buttercrunch. These certainly look the part, and texture-wise, at least, they deliver: the M&M's are like M&M's; the peanut butter is peanut buttery; the chocolate is thick and chocolate-like.

Looks good, right?

The problem is that, and I not sure how they even managed this, every aspect of every one of these tastes as bland as hell. These are some of the least flavoursome things I've ever experienced. These are a cruel candy-based joke. Full disclosure: these were slightly out of date, but I don't think that explains it. These are a bizarre anomaly that can only be explained by us all living in a Matrix-type simulation, in which these are a serious glitch. Yeah, thanks Architect!


Friday, March 4, 2016

Nintendo Direct 03/03/2016 (EU): Not-so-live Impressions

I'm really debating the merits of doing this one here. Apparently there won't be any NX or mobile talk, so I 'm wondering what that leaves for this direct. I think we're more or less at the end of the line for new Wi U and 3DS announcements now, so I'm guessing this is going to be a lot of follow-up type stuff. Do I really have anything else to say about the 3DS version of Hyrule Warriors? I guess we'll find out. :D

  • 00:20 - Yes! The triumphant return. Somewhere, Mr. Iwata is very happy right now. :)

  • 00:35 - Star Fox Zero first. Damn. Shiggy's looking very contrite here. I'm expecting another delay, or at least some bowing.
  • 00:43 - Yep. Little bow there.
  • 00:50 - I want to believe this'll be an authentic action game, but reports of them doubling down on the second screen stuff lately aren't exactly filling me with confidence.

  • 01:02 - General Pepper's looking good. Overall plot and structure similar to Starfox 64. Is this another pseudo remake of the original Star Fox then (like 64)?
  • 01:06 - Oh, okay. The story's new. (Hopefully they'll take lots of cues from Star Fox Command. Never played that game, but boy, the screen grabs that keep popping up from it's story are incredible. :D)

  • 01:24 - Wooo! Kat! Man, its been so long since I've plated Star Fox 64, I'm not sure how this compares to Fortuna in that, but this is definitely pretty.
  • 01:51 - Always enjoyed the branching paths in Star Fox, so this is all good to hear. Ooh, an amiibo logo on the map screen. I wonder how they're going to work those in here?

  • 02:41 - Oh hey, you guys remember asynchronous gameplay? Although I suppose this is more like the co-op mode in like, Mario Galaxy than the types of games they were showing off before the Wii U launched. Also, no one's going to be playing this way.

  • 03:11 - Okay, so the Fox amiibo unlock let's you fly the SNES arwing. I sill haven't picked up that Fox amiibo. Is this enough to justify a purchase? Yeah, probably. :D

  • 03:19 - Project Guard. It's back, you guys. I suppose as a mode in Star Fox Zero.
  • 03:22 - Slippy's uncle Grippy? Boy, Grippy's an unfortunate uncle name.

  • 03:39 - I don't think I ever bothered to watch footage of this before. Is this basically Night Trap? :D
  • 03:45 - So Night Trap with gun turrets then. Howard Lincoln would be so disappointed.
  • 04:10 - It's seems to be kind of a tower defence thing really. Yeah, not really my thing, custom levels or not. I don't know.
  • 04:22 - Oh, Star Fox Guard is a separate thing. April 22nd for that and Star Fox Zero. I think I'm waiting for some impressions before I buy Star Fox. The control scheme is still a bit of a question mark. I know there was a tweet confirming a standard control option back in the summer, but that's a long time ago now. Many tea tables have been upended since then I'm willing to bet.

  • 04:37 - Oh weird. Star Fox Guard is getting a physical release in the limited edition of Star Fox Zero. Wow, that box art sure is something. :D Just what does Uncle Grippy have a hold of? Looking at the bottom right of the bundle box, it looks like there's a third thing in the bundle too. Some kind of DLC maybe?
  • 04:58 - Oh, it's a steelbook. Never really got the steelbook hype. Depending on price though, yeah, I might go for this pack.

  • 05:17 - Damn it, I still haven't gotten around to Splatoon. I even bought the soundtrack already, and I STILL haven't gotten around to the actual game.
  • 06:41 - Mario and Sonic at the Rio Olympics. Those games are still a thing. Remember that short window where everyone was excited about Mario and Sonic teaming up in the first one of these before Sonic in Smash completely destroyed any excitment for that endeavor? What a time to be alive.

  • 08:00 - Still, this looks about 1,000 more appealing than watching the actual Olympics. Shy Guys on floats? That's an opening ceremony I could get behind.

  • 09:05 - Oh, Super Mario Maker. Slopes?

  • 09:35 - Nice. I've been working on a SMW castle stage. These will fit right in.

  • 09:42 - Nope. Fuck that. :D
  • 09:50 - Yes! Keys! Though, unless you can attach a second bonus level to a keyhole, they won't be that cool.
  • 10:12 - Yeah, not really the implementation of keys I was hoping for. Still, they'll be useful for creating boss battles.

  • 10:28 - Oh, these are interesting - red coins that you need to collect all of before a key will appear. Bringing some Mario 64 into Mario Maker. I like it.
  • 11:01 - Yikes! Super Expert Mode. Granted, I haven't checked in in a while, but I even find most of the levels that wind up in Expert borderline unplayable.

  • 11:10 - Yay! Tetra! My dark secret though? I super don't care about mystery mushroom characters in Mario Maker. I haven't even scanned all the amiibos I have to unlock those mushrooms. I don't know. If the characters had different abilities maybe they'd be more appealing, but as it is, they're just palette swaps for Small Mario with a couple of custom sound effects. I'd rather just play as Mario. Now a Tetra amiibo? Day. Freaking. One.
  • 11:35 - Damn it! No slopes. Denied!

  • 11:58 - Hold up, you guys. Genei Ibun Roku ♯FE AKA SMT X Fire Emblem might actually have a real name in the West now.
  • 12:53 - Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE. Well, close enough. Really excited to grab this actually. It's looked better and better every time they've shown it.

  • 13:08 - Oh shit! IT'S HAPPENING! The Paper Mario on Wii U rumors were true. Already sounds like this one has another dumb gimmick though. Great.

  • 13:42 - Damn, Mario. I know you hate Toad's guts, but that's cold.

  • 13:55 - Really like the look of this, but this color hammer stuff sounds worrying.
  • 14:25 - Oof, the battle system sounds a lot like Sticker Star. Man, I really want another good Paper Mario. I have a bad feeling that this won't be it.

  • 14:58 - My Nintendo. Still haven't gotten around to to signing up for that. (I've been laid up with what felt like the plague for the last week and a half.)
  • 15:41 - Yeah! Amiibo news. Really hope they're done the Animal Crossing ones now, 'cause yaaaaaaaaawn.

  • 15:50 - Apparently not. And they're cards too. Yuck.

  • 16:01 - Okay, some physical ones. Nothing I'm really after though. I still hoping they'll at least do a series of Zelda ones before the amiibo train comes off the rails.

  • 16:22 - Huh? What? Some relevant Hyrule Warriors Legends news. So, I guess I got my wish and the new characters *will* be available to download in the Wii U version, but only with that code that comes in the 3DS version I'm guessing. Come on, Nintendo, not like this. Let me pay for them separately.
  • 17:49 - Well, at least we'll get Medli for free on the Wii U. (Psst, another Zelda amiibo I'd totally get day one. Do you hear me, Nintendo? Come on, do it.)
  • 18:52 - Yo-kai Watch. Yeah, I guess we're into the 3DS section now.

  • 19:08 - Yikes.

  • 19:13 - The thirst for animated GIFs is real. :D
  • 20:06 - Hey, I finally have a 3DS now. I should probably download that Yo-Kai Watch demo. (I won't though.)

  • 20:26 - Disney Art Academy. Yep.


  • 21:47 - Oh boy, did Metroid Federation Force leave fans with "some questions". :D
  • 25:31 - Yeah, I can't say that much to sell me on this game. Tanabe might want to play out battles between Federation forces and Space Pirates in a Metroid game, but I think he might be the only one.